Valentine’s Day is here and with it comes the call to prove your love through purchasing power — whether throwing down on prix fixe dinner, obscenely overpriced flowers, candy hearts, weirdly sexualized robe-wearing teddy bears, or for the Gen Z contingent, granny panties.
But what if there’s hidden meaning in the gifts you receive — a guilty partner behind the red lace or a potential farewell behind a pair of red bottoms?
Steeped in superstition, the viral TikTok “shoe theory” maintains that gifting shoes to a lover foretells that they will walk away from you, giving them the metaphorical means to hit the road.
Psychic and energy expert Inbaal Honigman explains, “The superstition against giving shoes as presents comes from Chinese culture, where the word for shoes is similar to the word for ‘evil’ in Mandarin.”
Now that we’ve established that shoes are a no-go unless you want to let your lover go, read on to learn more about the worst (and best) Valentine’s Day offerings.
THE WORST VALENTINE’S DAY GIFTS
1. Lingerie
The time lords at Watches2U have found that underwear is both the most-searched-for Valentine’s Day gift and the one with the worst energetic undertones.
Honigman explains, “Since underwear covers our most private areas, it represents a desire to hide something. If you are receiving underwear as a Valentine’s Day gift, your partner may be sending you the spiritual message that they are keeping something from you.”
Bustiers as evidence of betrayal? Fishnets fishing for infidelity? You heard it here first, folks.
If you’re a cheater with a guilty conscience or simply want to wave a defiant garter belt in the face of superstition, see our guide to the best lingerie for your zodiac sign.
Or, if you’re concerned you’re shacked up with a two-timer, consult our list of the zodiac signs most likely to cheat.
2. Booze
Alcohol is easy to procure and an enduringly popular Valentine’s Day gift, but Honigman warns you may be pouring out more than you bargained for.
“A bottle of alcohol is not the harmless present it appears to be. The word alcohol comes from the Arabic word, Al-Kohl which links to both early cosmetics and spirits,” she notes. “The word ghoul derives from the same source. In modern English, alcohol is still referred to as ‘spirits,’ and who wants a ghostly gift for Valentine’s?”
I would wager the exception to this rule is an expensive bottle of booze that has aged for many years, as it suggests a lasting commitment to steady improvement, a fine metaphor/aspiration for any relationship.
3. Bath salts
Products for ritual bathing, including bath salts, are a particularly poor choice for lovers this Valentine’s Day, especially if your relationship is on the rocks or careening towards toxic.
As Honigman explains, “Salt is a cleanser and a purifier, removing toxins, and so the gift of bath salts at Valentine’s will help rid the receiver of any negativity in a relationship. Gift at your peril! If you’re the toxic partner, you will be cleansed away.”
Skip the salt and opt for a scented candle, all the better if said candle melts into massage oil. Get laid, not purged, folks. Stay sexy out there.
If you’re looking to lock it down rather than burn it down, there are a few gifts that send the right message.
THE BEST VALENTINE’S DAY GIFTS
1. Watches
Watches are, by and large, a positive symbol that says to your beloved, “I like you enough to drop a decent amount of money because I see a future in which we wile away hours together.”
Honigman explains, “A watch represents the gift of time. By gifting a watch at Valentine’s, you’d be promising your partner that you’ll be present for them.”
However, if your beloved is a Scorpio, make sure your watch is not pulling double duty as a tracking device.
2. Chocolate
Watches2U found that chocolate is the second most popular Valentine’s Day gift — the sweet treat supports love symbolically and physiologically.
Honigman explains, “The gift of chocolate to a loved one can be traced back to the Mayans, who viewed cacao, the main ingredient in chocolate, as a ‘heart opener.’ Even modern chocolate is known to stimulate blood passage towards the heart. As such, chocolate is spiritually seen to increase feelings of love.”
Eat your heart full, folks.
3. Scarves
The third-best gift to give your partner? A scarf to wrap around them, hide their hickeys, and keep a symbolic cord betwixt you.
Honigman explains, “In many cultures, a scarf represents a strong spiritual connection and divine blessings. The gift of a scarf on Valentine’s Day shows faith in the relationship, and a desire to keep each other warm and protected.”
Bonus points if you knit said scarf yourself, but buyer beware — if the recipient is a Taylor Swift type, as history shows, if it breaks bad, you will RUE THE F—ING DAY.
4. Kitchenware
While food processors, pasta makers, and garlic presses don’t expressly scream sexy, Honigman maintains that the practical can be the pathway to permanence in a relationship, “Despite the backlash against love presents which are seen as functional or boring, kitchen utensils actually have a wonderful spiritual meaning; they let your partner know that you want to nourish each other’s souls and create something together.”
AstrologerReda Wigleresearches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girl’s guide” to strip clubs, and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
